My husband is addicted to drugs: how to cope and protect yourself and your children

My husband is addicted to drugs: how do I cope? The direct answer

If your question is "my husband is addicted to drugs, how do I deal with him?", the short answer is to put things in order of priority: your safety and your children's first, then talking to him at the right time and in the right way, then protecting the household money, then getting support for yourself now, without waiting for him to agree to treatment. These steps run together; you don't have to finish one before starting the next.

What you are facing is a treatable disorder, not a lack of morals or a lack of love for you. In its guide published in 2020, the U.S. National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) states that relapse rates in addiction (between 40% and 60%) are similar to those in chronic illnesses such as high blood pressure and asthma, and that relapse means reviewing the treatment plan, not losing hope. But understanding addiction as an illness does not mean you should suffer harm in silence.

The principles here are the same whether your husband uses hashish, Captagon, tramadol or something else. If he says hashish "isn't addictive", read is hashish addictive?.

First priority: your safety and your children's

Ask yourself honestly: am I afraid of him? Have I changed how I behave out of fear of his reaction? The UK's National Health Service (NHS) counts these as signs of abuse, and explains that abuse is not only hitting: it includes humiliation, cutting you off from family, controlling money, threats and breaking things. Signs that danger may be close:

• Threats to hurt you, the children or himself.
• Pushing, hitting or choking, even once.
• Locking you in, or stopping you from going out or using the phone.
• Intense, irrational suspicion, or talking about voices and things no one else sees.
• Driving with the children, or the children staying alone with him, while he is under the influence.

Choking, or any pressure on the neck, is dangerous even if it leaves no mark: it can cause internal injuries that can't be seen, and serious complications can appear hours or even days later. So if he has put pressure on your neck, even briefly, get a medical check-up as soon as possible even if you feel fine, and call an ambulance on 123 straight away (or your local emergency number) if there is difficulty breathing or swallowing, a change in your voice, confusion, fainting or any loss of consciousness, or a headache or dizziness that won't go away.

A simple plan if things escalate

1. Pick a safe place you can go to with the children, such as your family's home or a neighbor you trust, and agree it with her in advance.
2. Agree a code word with someone close, so they know you need help right away.
3. Prepare a small bag in a place he can't reach: copies of ID cards and the children's birth certificates, spare keys, some cash and the children's medicines.
4. Keep your phone charged, with the numbers of people you trust saved.
5. Don't argue with him while he is under the influence or angry, stay out of small, enclosed spaces, and stay near a way out.

The NHS advises contacting a support service before leaving home if possible, being careful about who you tell, and making sure the abusive person does not know where you are going.

What do your children see? How to talk to them by age

Children pick up the tension, the shouting and their father's mood swings, even if they don't understand the reason. A 2016 report from the American Academy of Pediatrics notes that children whose parents use drugs or alcohol are at higher risk of health, emotional and behavioral problems. A 2023 editorial in a specialist journal points out that they may feel ashamed, isolated and forgotten, and often have mixed feelings toward the parent, feeling both loved and let down.

The reassuring part is that many of these children adapt and do well. A systematic review in PLOS One in 2017 found that the factor with the most consistent results across studies was a secure attachment between the child and their parents; evidence on other factors, such as family cohesion and support from grandparents, was more limited, and the authors cautioned that the studies cannot prove cause and effect. Even so, your warm relationship with your children is one of the most important things you can give them right now.

Children under six

Short sentences and plenty of reassurance: "Daddy is unwell and needs a doctor. This isn't because of you, and I'm here with you." Keep sleep and meal routines going as much as you can.

Ages six to twelve

Explain that their father has an illness called addiction that makes him act in ways that aren't like him, and that doctors can help him. Repeat: it's not your fault, you are not the one who has to fix him, and you are not alone. Don't ask them to lie or to watch their father.

Teenagers

They deserve more openness: that their father uses drugs, and that you are working on a plan for safety and treatment. Talk about their feelings without making them take sides in the conflict. At every age, don't put their father down in front of them; a child sees part of themselves in their father.

How to talk to your husband about his drug use without a fight

Don't raise the subject while he is under the influence, right after an argument, or in front of the children or relatives. Choose a calm moment when he is fully sober, ideally after something that clearly showed the effect of his drug use, such as a problem at work or with money. Sentences that open the door:

• "I'm worried about you. I've noticed you're not sleeping and you're angry most of the time."
• "I miss the man who used to laugh with the kids."
• "I'm not asking you to decide everything today, just that we go together to one appointment with a doctor."
• "I'll be beside you through treatment, but I won't keep covering for what's happening."

And avoid what shuts it down: "You're an addict" or "You've disgraced us", confronting him in front of the whole family, and threatening divorce or the police in a moment of anger and then not following through.

This is not just opinion. In a systematic review published in the journal Addiction in 2020, covering 14 studies and 691 family members, most of them women (wives and mothers), the Community Reinforcement and Family Training program (CRAFT) was about twice as effective as comparison approaches at getting a reluctant person into treatment, and treatment entry reached 77% and 86% when individual and group sessions for the family were combined, with clear variation between studies. You'll find detailed examples in my son uses drugs and refuses treatment, and most of them apply to a husband too.

Money and debts: how to protect the household without punishing him

Cleveland Clinic explains that signs of "enabling" include making excuses to cover for the person's behavior and shielding them from taking responsibility, and letting this drain your time, money and emotional energy at the expense of your own needs, and that breaking out of this cycle takes firm boundaries. Practical steps:

• Don't give him cash. If he needs something, pay for it directly.
• Pay the essentials first: housing, food and school, and keep household money separate from any money he can reach.
• Keep gold, important papers and bank cards in a safe place or with someone you trust.
• Don't sign a loan, a guarantee or a trust receipt (known in Egypt as "iesal amana") for him.
• Don't lie to his workplace or his family to cover his absence; you can stay silent without lying.
• If someone is demanding debts from him with threats, this is a safety issue: don't deal with them alone, and ask for protection.

For joint property and legal decisions, ask a trusted lawyer, because the rules differ from country to country. And if he is the one controlling your money and keeping it from you, know that the NHS counts this as a form of abuse.

Your mental health is not a luxury: why you need support too

Living with someone who uses drugs is constant stress: anxiety every night, fear for the children and shame in front of others. A 2013 scientific review by Jim Orford and colleagues describes family members affected by addiction as a large and neglected group, perhaps around 100 million people worldwide by the researchers' estimate, though never precisely counted, who face social and financial stress, a lack of support, and a high risk to their own health.

Looking after yourself is not selfish; an exhausted mother finds it hard to protect her children or stay calm. Watch for ongoing insomnia, sadness on most days, constant anxiety, cutting yourself off from family out of shame, and feeling responsible for his drug use. If these signs appear, psychotherapy sessions can help you regain your balance and be firm without being harsh, and family support groups may also ease some of the load.

What can you do while your husband still refuses treatment?

His refusal today does not mean the door is closed. During this time you can:

• Start yourself: book a therapy session for yourself, to learn what to say and what to avoid.
• Stop enabling without abandoning him: don't pay for his drug use, but keep respect and affection in the times he is sober.
• Appreciate the good times: when he spends time with the children while sober, show your appreciation.
• Set boundaries you can keep, such as: "I won't accept any substance in the house." And don't threaten what you won't do.
• Watch for the window of opportunity: after a crisis or losing a job he may be more ready to listen, so be ready with clear information about the first step.
• Encourage stopping under medical supervision: if he says he will suddenly quit on his own at home, know that suddenly stopping alcohol, sedatives, pregabalin or opioids such as tramadol can cause dangerous withdrawal, so encourage him to see a doctor first.

If the refusal goes on and the harm continues, you have every right to make decisions that protect you and your children, such as moving away temporarily. This is not abandoning him, and it does not close the door to treatment for him.

When should you get help immediately?

• Loss of consciousness or difficulty waking him, or slow or irregular breathing.
• Seizures, chest pain or a very high temperature.
• Severe agitation, suspicion or hallucinations that he acts on, or violence.
• Talk of suicide or of hurting himself, or other warning signs listed by the U.S. National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), such as talking about wanting to die or being a burden to others, feeling trapped or that there is no reason to live, saying goodbye, or giving away important things.
• Severe withdrawal symptoms after stopping suddenly, especially from alcohol, benzodiazepine sedatives, pregabalin (Lyrica) or opioids such as tramadol; this withdrawal can be dangerous and needs medically supervised detox, not an attempt at home.

How does Oxygen Center work with families, and is your privacy protected?

The journey often starts with a step from you: a therapy session or an appointment for you, even before your husband agrees, in which we put together a plan with you for safety and for talking with him. When he agrees, the first step is a drug test, which is mandatory before any admission, and a medical and psychiatric assessment; then medically supervised detox if he needs it, then psychological and behavioral therapy and follow-up after discharge. NIDA notes that family therapy helps people with drug use problems (especially young people) and their families address what influences drug use and improve how the family functions as a whole; at Oxygen Center, family counseling is part of the rehabilitation program.

As for privacy, at Oxygen Center information about a case is seen only by the medical team involved, and is shared with outside parties, including his workplace or relatives, only with explicit consent or when the law requires it. At the first meeting, ask what of what you say will be passed on to your husband and what won't.

You can contact us by call or WhatsApp on +20 101 687 0711 or on the landline +20 45 320 0011, and at any hour on the 24/7 emergency line +20 100 006 6752. For those in Egypt who prefer a government option, the Fund for Drug Control and Treatment of Addiction runs a confidential 24/7 helpline on 16023 that offers treatment through its partner centers.