Why do people with addiction lie, steal and lash out? Understanding without excusing

Why do people with addiction lie, steal and change? The short answer

Why do people with addiction lie, take money and lash out? Because addiction is an illness that changes brain circuits involved in reward, stress and self-control, so seeking and using the substance becomes stronger than promises, values and even fear for the family. That is why someone with a substance use disorder may lie, take money or explode in anger, and then feel regret later. This explains what is happening; it is not an excuse that cancels their responsibility for the harm.

The US National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) describes addiction as a chronic disorder in which a person compulsively seeks and uses a substance despite harmful consequences. It explains that the first decision to try a drug is usually voluntary, but with continued use a person's ability to exert self-control can become seriously impaired, and that this is the hallmark of addiction. In material written for the justice sector, NIDA also notes that at this stage a person may do almost anything, such as lying, stealing or harming others, to keep using.

If you are a wife, mother, father or sibling, this article is for you: to help you understand what is going on without blaming yourself, and without accepting what hurts you.

How do craving and brain changes drive behavior they later regret?

NIDA explains that addiction affects three key areas of the brain, and each has a clear effect on everyday behavior:

• The reward circuit: the substance causes a large surge of dopamine, so the brain links it with pleasure and with the places and people connected to it. Over time this circuit becomes less sensitive, so the person no longer enjoys things that used to make them happy, like food or time with others, and needs the substance just to feel normal.
• The stress circuit: when the effect wears off, anxiety, irritability and unease appear, and this circuit becomes more sensitive with use, so using becomes a way to escape the distress more than a search for a high.
• The prefrontal cortex: the area for thinking, planning, decision-making and controlling impulses. When its balance with the other two circuits is upset, the brain's "brakes" against the urge weaken.

NIDA adds that craving can be triggered by anything that reminds the person of the substance, and can last for years. This is why someone may promise sincerely in the morning not to use, and then use again by the evening: the promise was real, but the ability to keep it was weak. It also explains why willpower alone is often not enough, and why many people need specialist treatment.

Why do they lie, manipulate and break promises?

Lying is one of the things that hurts families most. The MedlinePlus medical encyclopedia lists secretive behavior to hide use, making excuses for using, and denying there is a problem among the common signs of a substance use disorder. Lying can usually be understood through several overlapping reasons:

• Protecting the use: lying keeps the use going, because admitting it may mean losing money, freedom or the substance.
• Shame and fear: many people lie because they are ashamed of where they have ended up, and afraid of how the family will see them or of punishment.
• Denial: sometimes the person genuinely believes they are "in control" and can stop whenever they want.
• Promises under pressure: in a confrontation they will promise anything to end it, and then the craving wins.

Understanding this does not mean believing everything or ignoring manipulation. You can say calmly: "I can't trust these words right now, so I'll judge by actions, not promises." That is an honest position that protects you without turning into an insult.

Stealing and addiction: why do they take from their own family?

Cash, gold or devices disappear from the house, and money is asked for with excuse after excuse. This happens because the need for the substance becomes urgent, and with weakened self-control a person may take what they would never have taken before the addiction. MedlinePlus notes that money and legal problems tend to get worse as addiction progresses.

Does a person with addiction still love their family? Why do they seem not to care?

This is one of the hardest questions for wives and mothers. The answer closest to the science: the love has usually not disappeared, but addiction has taken first place in the brain. As NIDA explains, the person becomes less able to enjoy what used to make them happy, and the brain learns to seek the substance at the expense of other healthy goals and activities. MedlinePlus notes that with regular use a person may start pulling away from friends and family, and that signs include neglecting work or school and their appearance, and dropping usual activities.

You may feel they have become "a different person": withdrawn, cold or often absent. This change in personality is painful, but in many cases it improves gradually with stopping and treatment. If the picture includes deep sadness or loss of hope, there may also be depression that needs its own assessment. And if you are a wife living with this every day, the article My husband is addicted to drugs has practical steps written for you.

Anger, denial and blame: part of the illness, not proof of bad character

MedlinePlus notes that a person may become hostile when confronted about their use, and that denial is common, especially at the addiction stage. NIDA adds that irritability and anxiety are among the withdrawal feelings that come once the substance wears off. So you may hear things like "it's your fault" or "everyone does it": blame is a way of easing guilt, not the truth about you.

MedlinePlus also points out that people in denial respond better to empathy and respect than to harsh confrontation. That does not mean staying silent about abuse; it means choosing a time when the person is calm and not under the influence, and talking about your feelings and specific actions rather than general accusations. NIDA warns that stigma makes people less willing to seek treatment, so insults and humiliation usually deepen denial.

How can families respond without accepting theft or abuse?

1. Set a few clear limits: such as "I won't give you cash" and "I won't accept shouting or threats at home", and keep to them calmly every time.
2. Separate the person from the behavior: "I love you, and I won't accept you taking my money." Both sentences are true at once.
3. Don't cover up the consequences: don't lie to their work or relatives to protect them, and don't pay drug debts. To tell real help from help that keeps the problem going, read supporting without enabling addiction.
4. Reward positive steps: praise any honest day or any agreement to see a doctor, because empathy and respect reduce denial more than harsh confrontation.
5. Look after yourself: your sleep, your health and support from people you trust are not a luxury. You can start with a family counseling session even if the person refuses to come.

There are programs designed to train families in these skills. In a systematic review and meta-analysis of four trials published in the journal Addiction in 2010, a family training approach known as CRAFT helped about two thirds of treatment-refusing individuals get into treatment, and the family members' mental and physical wellbeing improved across the family programs studied. If your son refuses treatment altogether, the article My son refuses addiction treatment may help.

What changes once treatment starts?

NIDA stresses that addiction is treatable, and that brain imaging shows the brain can recover, at least partly, after a long period without use. With recovery, the person can gradually regain more honesty, calm and care for their family, but trust is rebuilt step by step and does not return in a single day.

Treatment usually starts with an assessment and a drug test, then medically supervised detox when needed, then psychological and behavioral therapy that helps the person understand triggers and build new skills; a doctor may also decide on suitable medicines in some cases. NIDA notes that treating any co-occurring mental health conditions at the same time usually works better. In the rehabilitation and addiction treatment program, family counseling, aftercare and relapse prevention are part of the plan. You can read more in the article Stages of addiction treatment.

In its guide to the science of addiction (2020), NIDA states that relapse rates for substance use disorders (40 to 60%) are similar to those for other chronic illnesses such as high blood pressure and asthma (50 to 70%), and that relapse does not mean treatment has failed, but that it needs to be restarted or adjusted. At Oxygen, inpatient stays are for males aged 15 and over (under 18 with a guardian's consent), while doctor appointments, therapy sessions and drug tests are available to men and women, and families can come on their own first.

When does behavior become a safety issue, and who should you call?

MedlinePlus notes that episodes of violence can be a sign of a substance use disorder. Its first-aid guidance advises calling emergency services right away if someone may have overdosed or has withdrawal symptoms, and warns you not to put your own safety in danger, because some drugs can cause violent and unpredictable behavior. Your safety and your children's safety always come first, and there is no justification for hitting or threats. Get help without delay if you see any of the following:

• Threats to harm, hitting, smashing things, or carrying an object to intimidate.
• Talk of death, self-harm or suicide, or suddenly saying goodbye to people.
• Hallucinations, intense suspicion of others, or confused, disconnected speech.
• Loss of consciousness, difficulty breathing or seizures after using.
• Severe withdrawal symptoms: withdrawal from some substances, such as alcohol, sedatives, pregabalin (Lyrica) and opioids like tramadol, can be dangerous and needs medical supervision; it should not happen at home without medical follow-up.

Outside emergencies, seek help when you notice that lying, stealing and anger have become a repeated pattern, or that the family is breaking down under the strain. To contact Oxygen: mobile and WhatsApp +20 101 687 0711, or landline +20 45 320 0011. Recovery is possible, and asking for help early is a brave step for you and for them.